ive wanted to blog for sooooooooooooo long now. and eveytime i put it off because I know my life is not as interesting as it used to be, i am not a crazy kid anymore in my eyes anyway. i am university goer, neurotic little blonde girl who spent too much money on clothes and now im eating mi goreng at 350 calories a bag and know i wont even fit into the clothes i bought. thats harrdley the point now is it. you know the best thing about having a blog is the fact that you can be as ego centric as you want and people will praise it, where is if i say all this to someone ill feel clingy.

the thing is the most addictive thing in the wholeeee wide world is attention. its probably more addictive than shooting up.. i wouldnt know ;) but fucck... its like a drug you live in this bubble, just you and them.. a few days, a week goes by it doesnt matter, its never long enough. everything else takes second place in your life. uni assignment due tomorrow, fuck it ill come home at 11pm and do it. parents birthday, who cares.. theyre the only family you have now. you need to drink some water because your about to dehydrate and pass the fuck out.. who cares, you might miss a moment with them. its like gasping for air, you never get enough.. and the more you have the more you want. everything else can go to hell as long as you get your fix of spending time with them. cant spend time with them, call them, text them, thhink about them, get high and imagine them. you dont need anything except their attention. and then something bursts your bubble, and its the stupidest thing.. its the fact that theyre smarter than you and they wanna get out of la la land.. they say oh i gotta see my parents, i gotta do some uni work.. i gotta take a shower for fucks sake. and then its like everything hits rock bottom. it all breaks and you want to send them as far as you can, tell them to just leave because it never ment anything to you at all, because you had better things to do all along. a fucking lie.. you had, you HAVE nothing else that needs to be done because everything else that was a priority you already fucked up. you just have them, their attention. so your not about to let it go so easy.. no. your not about to fix the rest of your life either, say do 3 weeks overdue literature essays. so you scratch at the itch. you need it back. you need another hit. even if it tiny, even if its not what you wanted.. even if its not love, its hate.. you still want it. you want a reaction.. because its not as good, but its good enough. and they think you've finally lost your mind because of the shit that comes out of your mouth every minute of silence. and its the worst. its really neuroticism at its limit. its the complete opposite of what you had. its a void.. its like fiending coke or something. knowing you cant have it it, you'll have the next best thig but its never as good. ive heard about crack addicts who lick out the underneaths of their fingernails to get every last bit of coke from underneath which is just so fucking scary to imagine.. but this is the emotional state of that. its watching every second in pain because you dont have what they've conditioned you to believe is what you need every damn second. afterall.. how can someone do that, how can you give somebody what they desire and then stop and not tell them when theyll get it again? but whatever.. ive been down that road before.. the first 24hours is the hardest, and then it gets easier and you think hey you'll be ok, you a human being who can survive without it. its like learning to breathe underwater.. its an incredible feeling, you wanna be all alone all the time, you wanna do what makes you happy like going for icecream at 3am. and then ofcourse it happens like clockwork.. they come back. and its all fucked again. and your back in the cycle, because you were never really over it.. you just replaced it with that feeling of self esteem you never thought you had but apparently did. but now your back there and you dont know whether to be happy or not. you convince yourself itll be better this time, you wont give it your all.. you'll still go for icecream. butt that other person is as much fucked up as you and you'll never ever get out of this with a half a soul. your both too fucked up to move.. and thats why you busk in eachothers glory every once in a while, and thats why it never feels as good with anyone else.. and thats why you slowly start to replacing all your appointments with friends, with study, family etc with them. because nothing ever compares.

...i think id rather be on drugs and go to rehab because atleast there is some light at the end of that tunnel.

i will not start smoking again. ffs i will not :)

stay tuned. more crazy shit to come..

Posted @ 11:23 PM